Kingdom Hearts Lost Levels: Tournament Decides
by LemonSmoothie
Summary: Volume 2 of the Lost Levels.
1. Chapter 1

Kingdom Hearts Lost Levels Volume 2: Tournament Decides

_The Netherworld…_

_A lawless world filed with vicious monsters._

_The number of Netherworlds has expanded with the rise of demons powerful enough to rule such worlds… the Overlords._

_The crowning of a new Overlord is a rare and momentous occasion. Who decides when someone is powerful enough to claim a title so lofty?_

_Only those who prove themselves worthy can dare to be so ambitious._

Scene – The Netherworld

No self respecting Overlord could live an appropriately opulent life without a towering castle replete with gothic flourishes in the décor, a few man-eating gargoyles, and at least one torture device in every room. Despite being relatively young for an Overlord (having just turned 1000 a few centuries ago), Laharl was no exception to any of these rules. His lavish castle overlooked a scenic lake of fire and brimstone, his real estate was worth at least seven trillion of the local currency, HL (pronounced "hell" as in "HL to pay"), and he had a Warbucks, an Unsafeway, and a Bennigan's within walking distance. Truly, it was an antiparadise.

At least, it would have been quite the place for a demon to live if annoying things didn't happen there all the time. Most recently, the big fuss was over his head vassal, Etna, running off and taking her explosive penguin servants, the Prinny Squad, with her, all over an unmarked bowl of pudding and only returning after the two of them got caught up in the struggle against a resurgent Overlord Zenon. Before that, the late King Krichevskoy died in an attempt to fight off Tyrant Baal (a real Overlord's Overlord), resulting in a struggle for the throne and an assassination attempt on then-Prince Laharl by Flonne, an Angel Trainee from Celestia. While Flonne (usually referred to by Laharl as "that damn Love Freak") won over the Prince's heart and taught him the lessons his late mother never got the chance to, she found herself retitled Fallen Angel Flonne and kicked out of Celestia after she, uh, kinda helped Laharl out on an invasion that cost dozens of angels their lives, all to stop the nefarious plot of Archangel Vulcanus. Why Seraph Lamington, leader of Celestia, couldn't spot Vulcanus's evil a mile away and stop him before things blew out of hand, no one knows, but that's how Flonne ending up living in pseudo-bliss together with Laharl. This completely ignores the subplots of the feud between Etna and a demon named Maderas, a narcissistic Dark Adonis called (rarely) Vyers, some zombies who kept coming back to unlife when Laharl cut them into pieces, and a spunky crew of intergalactic heroes and their robot sidekick.

Life in the Netherworld was pretty rough and rocky, so no one was surprised in the least to find a starship made out of Gummi blocks crashing through the upper atmosphere, then careening through the lower atmosphere, then crunching through the roof of Laharl's castle and right into one of the bathrooms. No one was surprised except for Flonne, who was trying to take a bath at the time.

"Go-go-go-fo-fo-tron! Fight mo' foe, you Go-go-go… fo… TRON!" Flonne sang while staring through a mountain of bubblebath at the Gofotron program playing on her miniature bathroom television set. Nothing made bathtime quite so fun for her as the daily episode of Gofotron, what with the action, and the robots, and the justice, and the heroism, and….

CRASH!

Her ceiling collapsed.

"Gofotron, is that you?" she called up to the object poking down at her. "For real? Ooooooh, it's just like the show! I knew if I sang your theme song loudly enough you'd eventually come. This is the happiest day of my life!"

About a dozen mostly unrelated thoughts rushed through Flonne's head at once before fizzling out and leaving her lying down in her tub with a big dumb smile on her face.

"Gofotron?" she asked again. "You look different on television. I hope that doesn't mean you're being piloted by the crew of Gofotron: The Next Generation. I'm a Gofotron: The Original Series only kind of girl, but I suppose I could make an exception. Gofotron: TNG hasn't even revealed the secret identity of Secret Angel Princess Princess yet. Ooooh, will I be the first to find out?"

A hatch opened up on the side of Gofotron, and a boy who looked about Flonne's age (but was probably about 1500 years younger) climbed out. He looked almost human, but he had hair that would look wild even on the most carefree party demon and feet that would have been more at home on Pringer X than someone his size. For some reason, he carried a gigantic key in his right hand.

"Secret Leader Weatherman, is that you?" Flonne asked. "Geez, this new crew sucks compared to Gofotron: TOS. You're too scrawny to be Lodoze, some I'm guessing you're Secret Leader Weatherman. Are you going to introduce me to Secret Angel Princess Princess?"

"Who?" said the boy. "I don't know any of these people."

"The other pilots of Gofotron. His left and right legs, Secret Ops Sysop and Silent Sneaky One, his left and right arms, Snorfy Snorf Snorf and Secret Angel Princess Princess, and Lodoze, a.k.a. Secret Flaking Napstich Napstich, who is nuts."

"I honestly have never heard of any of those guys," said the boy. "My name is Sora, and my ship is a Gummi Ship, not Gofotron. I'm pleased to meet you, though."

The boy held out his hand in a greeting. Flonne thought for a moment and then stood up to shake it.

"I'm sorry for the misunderstanding," she said. "Sometimes I get a little wrapped up in my shows. I really thought you were Gofotron. I guess that's what I get for watching television in the bath, and…."

Suddenly, the reality of the situation hit Flonne like a half ton Prinny bomb. Her face went deep red, and flames shot up in her eyes.

"What are you doing spying on an innocent young girl while she's taking a bath?" she screamed at Sora. "Do you have any idea how naked I am right now?"

Before Sora could answer, she wound up her left arm and delivered a powerful uppercut to Sora's chin, sending him flying up through the roof (leaving another hole that the Prinnies would have to fix later) and into whatever room happened to be above her on the next floor. Before Sora landed, Flonne had time to slip into a bathrobe and Prinny slippers.

"That's better," she told him. "Really, you shouldn't invade people's privacy like that. It might upset them."

"So I've gathered," said Sora, rubbing spot of purple swollen flesh where his right eye used to be. "As I said, my ship crashed, and I might be stuck here in this world for a while. I was kinda hoping the inhabitants would be friendly, but Donald didn't think so, judging by the name and all the human skulls we saw outside before we crashed."

Flonne blushed again. "Um, really? Human skull? No, those are probably just Prinnies, and you'd really have to ask Etna about them. She's not in charge of this Netherworld anyway. That would be Overlord Laharl and me, Fallen Angel Flonne."

Flonne accented speech with a flick of her red forked tail and an innocent giggle. Sora inched away.

"If you've crashed here," said Flonne, "you should probably make yourself comfortable. I can't just let random strangers stay in the castle, but I suppose I could let things slide a little if you became my vassals. Does that sound agreeable to you?"

"I guess so," said Sora. "Your vassals?"  
"Sure," said Flonne. "You see, I don't have any vassals of my own yet."

She added under her breath, "I used to, but they keep getting themselves killed."

"That sound like an easy job," said Sora. "I think we'll take it. Donald, Goofy, get out here! We're vassals now!"

The hatch on the side of the Gummi Ship opened up again and two more figured climbed out. The first was an uncoordinated doglike creature with a funny hat and pants about three sizes too large. The second was an angry duck with an even funnier hat and an expression on his beak that could bake a ham at fifty yards. Neither looked as if he knew particularly well what it meant to be a vassal.

"Flonne," said Sora, pointing at the newcomers, "I'd like you to meet my friends, Donald and Goofy. You guys, say hello to our new boss, Fallen Angel Flonne."

Goofy frowned. "Now just what have you gotten us into this time, Sora? I sure don't know what it means to be a castle, but if it means I have to stand still all day and let a king live inside of me, I'm not sure I like the idea."

Donald hit Goofy on the head with his fist. "Vassal, not castle, you dolt! We're vassals."

"You mean that stuff you drink at Christmastime?" said Goofy.

"That's wassle. We're vassals."

"You mean that stuff you put in your car?"

"That's gasoline. We're vassals."

"You mean that actor?"

"That David Cassidy. We're vassals."

"You mean that rock group with the flutes?"  
"That's Jethro Tull. We're vassals."

"You mean that song by Dennis Leary?"

"No, we're vassals."  
"You mean that object for using magnetism to launch things into space?"  
"That's a mass driver. We're vassals."  
"You mean where they dump all the garbage? A trash hole?"

"That's FOX Network. We're vassals."

"You mean where JFK's real shooter hid?"  
"That's the grassy knoll. We're vassals."

Flonne stared at her three new vassals and decided it would be best to let Sora do most of the talking. "Are they… always like this?"

"Are you kidding?" Sora replied. "They were having almost this same conversation just a minute ago, only it was about the word _orange_. That's actually why we crashed. Between Donald's speech impediment and Goofy's brain impediment, it's a wonder anything ever gets said."

Flonne laughed. "I'm sure they'll make wonderful vassals. Now, if we may, let's get ready for the initiation ceremony."

Flonne reached behind her bathtub and pulled out a bow and an arrow with a heart-shaped tip. "For you to be proper vassals, you should be reincarnated into more powerful classes. So, off you go! Remember that you're doing this all for the power of Love!"

"Wait!" said Sora. "I don't think it works that way with us. Right Donald? Goofy?"  
"No, that's Dennis Hastert. We're vassals."

"Never mind," said Sora. "We're happy the way we are. We'll still serve as vassals as best we can, whatever that means."

Flonne put down her bow. "Aw, I keep forgetting the basics. Story characters don't reincarnate into other classes, anyway. That's just generics."

"Whatever that means," said Sora.

"Your first task as vassals is upon you, then," said Flonne. "First, you need to put on a blindfold because I'm not done with my bath yet. Second, you need to stand next to the television and turn the volume down when the commercials start."

"Why can't you just use the remote?"

"I'm taking a bath. If it falls into the water, I could electrocute myself." Flonne giggled.

"Fine, fine," said Sora. "It looks like a commercial is starting right now, so why don't I…."

Flonne looked over at the television. Indeed, she saw a commercial, but the contents of that commercial caught her attention.

_For a limited time only, get your very own Gofotron action figure with each Evil Meal at McBurgles,_ the television said. _Be the first on your block to collect all 666 of them!_

"I can't believe it!" Flonne shouted. "Last time they had that special, it was during the time when the actor who plays Secret Angel Princess Princess was on strike for more money and they temporarily killed off her character, so I was only able to get a figurine of her replacement, Secret Cranky Office Temp. This is such good news! Oooh, let's go to McBurgles as soon as my bath is over. It's not far. It's just over next to the Sea of Gehenna."

Sora's face went pale, as if he'd never heard someone so excited about a promotional deal before. He remained in that shocked state clear through the remainder of the McBurgles commercial an on into the next one. The next commercial, however, proved to be even more interesting to all parties involved.

A muscular man with wavy hair took center stage on the screen. He eyed the camera for a moment, picked at his teeth with his finger, and then smiled. When he was sure everyone recognized him, he introduced himself anyway.

_You scum have probably heard of me already,_ he said, _but for those who haven't, I am Zetta, the Badass Freaking Overlord. In case you haven't heard, there is no one else quite like me in the entire multiverse, and with Overlord Zenon turned into toast, I'm need a new person to refer to mockingly as my Number One Challenger. You know that that means, kiddies. I'm hosting a Netherworld Battle Tournament. If you think YOU have what it takes to be the next Badass Freaking Overlord, come and sign up at 1-666-ZETTA-HL. That's 1-666-ZETTA-HL. Bring your best, too, 'cause there's no one quite like the original!_

Sora stared at the screen. "That has to be where the Keyhole is. I know it. Donald, Goofy, you agree?"

Donald cried, "No, that's Sarah Vowell! We're vassals."


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2 – Fowl Ball

While a Gummi Ship crashing through the roof and causing millions of HL in damages hardly fazed Fallen Angel Flonne, that sort of thing had a habit of making Overlord Laharl cranky. Laharl's bad moods generally meant discomfort (or worse) for everyone in the immediate vicinity, so Flonne decided to wait until later to introduce him to her new vassals. Instead of hanging around the castle while the Prinny Squad fixed it, she opted to show Sora, Donald, and Goofy around the Netherworld.

"Where would you like to go today?" she asked. "Shopping?"

"What kinds of stores could there be in a world like this?" said Goofy.

"Well, let's see. If you're hungry, we could go to Burger Tyrant. If you want to spruce up your vassal's chambers, we could take a trip to Bloodbath and Beyond. If theater's your thing, the local plaza has showings of Andrew Lloyd Weber's greatest hits every evening."

Donald frowned. "This place is creepy. Isn't there anything here that isn't morbid?"

Flonne smiled. "Cheep up! It's not all that bad. There's just an adjustment period. Once you get used to living here, it'll be just like living anywhere else. Until then, I suppose we could go to see a baseball game."

"Will this get in the way of entering that tournament?" Sora asked.

"Not really," said Flonne. "We're right in the middle of the season, so the local team, the Damned Yankees, plays every day."

"That's really the local team?" said Sora.

"Steinbrenner decided to relocate here so he could be closer to family, plus real estate is cheaper here than in the Bronx."

"Makes sense," said Sora. "Still, what other teams are there?"

"You seem to forget the other Major League team that operates out of hell." Flonne giggled.

"Of course!" said Goofy. "The Boston Red Sox."

"Right," said Flonne. "Little do most people outside of Massachusetts know, but we annexed Boston in exchange for putting Isiah Thomas in charge of the Knicks."

"I think New York got the worst of that deal," said Donald. "Have you seen the Knicks lately?"

Flonne shrugged. "Just because I've gotten used to the Netherworld doesn't mean I'm ready to see anything _that_ ghastly."

"You have a point," said Sora. "So, are we going to the ballgame?"

XXX

Yankee Stadium turned out to be surprisingly hospitable. The view of the field was great, only half of the fans smelled like sulfur, and a combo of a beer and two hot dogs only cost 5,000 HL. All of those things were an improvement over Old Yankee Stadium back in New York. The only noticeable difference that detracted from the experience was how Joe Torre's eyes glowed bright red from the demon influence instead of dull red from alcoholism, and Goofy thought that took something away from his charm.

Sora prodded Flonne. "What's up with the umpire? He's even shorter, fatter, and blinder than most umpire's back home. Is he even human?"  
"Nope!" said Flonne. "The umpires here are Prinnies."  
"Princies?" said Goofy. "Isn't that that singer who…"

"Prinnies," said Flonne, "are penguin servants who must atone for their crimes in life by serving demons and angels until the next Red Moon, when they can be reincarnated and given a second chance. Oh, and they explode when you throw them, for reasons I can't figure out. I'm guessing it's just because exploding penguins are funny."

"This place is weird," said Sora. "Really. We've been to some pretty strange places, but this is at least the third weirdest I've seen yet."

When the game finally started, the Red Sox took the field to a chorus of boos from the crowd. A few of the fans threw assorted rotten fruit and a few knives at them, but on the whole the crowd behaved slightly better than one could expect from a New York audience (and leaps and bounds better than a crowd at a Phillies game). In the to of the first, the Yankee pitcher put down the entire Red Sox lineup in order, prompting cheers from the crowd. In the bottom half of the inning, the Yankee third baseman (formerly their shortstop and currently their best player) managed to get to second base, but they stranded him there when their hitting coach attacked the umpire in order to cause a distraction while he stole third. The distraction didn't work, and he got thrown out. Unfortunately, the player throwing him out threw one of the Prinnies instead of one the ball, and so both the Prinny and the ballplayer disappeared in a ball of fire.

The audience cheered.

The Yankees didn't like the call, however, so their manager kicked up a cloud of dirt around the umpire, shouted a bit, then made an ugly face when the umpire threw him out. In retaliation, he pick up the umpire and threw _him_ out. He didn't stop to aim first, though, so the Prinny umpire hit the Red Sox pitcher and destroyed the two of them in a bright red flash.

"Exciting game, huh?" said Flonne. "I always knew National League ball couldn't match this style. Sure, they've got more strategy, but we've got more gratuitous violence!"

The Red Sox decided to turn the skirmish into an all out brawl, and for a few minutes the entire field disappeared in a cloud of dirt, exploding Prinnies, and profanity. When the dust settled, no one remained on the field.

"Not good," said Flonne.

The PA announcer echoed her sentiments. "This is bad. Oh, this is bad. I'm going to be fire for sure this ti—hey, is this thing on? Ahem, attention, sportsfans. We are currently experiencing some technical difficulties on the field. Please remain seated until we can find some cheap nonunion replacement players to finish off the game for you. Thank you for your continued interest in Yankee baseball."

"Replacement players?" Sora asked.

"Yes," said Flonne. "This actually happens fairly often. If the players kill each other, then it takes a day or two for them to be reincarnated. In the meantime, to keep the fans from rioting, fans from the audience finish the game against the umpires, with the fans playing for the Yankees and the Prinnies playing for the Red Sox."

"So I was wrong all these years," said Goofy.

"What do you mean?" said Donald.

Goofy laughed. "I always figured the umpires were on the Yankees' side."

Soon, to absolutely no one's surprise, an usher came up to the party and asked if Sora, Donald, and Goofy would follow him to the locker room. Their seat numbers had been chosen, allegedly at random, and they would be participating in the remainder of the day's baseball game.

"We challenge you to a game of baseball, dood!" said the Prinny usher.

"I get to play for the Yankees!" said Donald. "Today I consider myself the luckiest duck on the face of the Netherwold."

"Don't say that," said Sora. "It's bad luck."

"Sorry," said Donald.

"A-hyuck," said Goofy. "I've never played before, so I'd best pop my instructional tape into my Walkman so I can learn before we get started.

XXX

How to Play Baseball

_Baseball is America's pastime. Those who play it carry on the long tradition of men hard at work throughout the summer, wining glory for their teams and cities and bringing smiles to the faces of children watching their games. It is truly an honor and a privilege to take part in this game, so before you step out on the diamond, you need to keep a few things in mind_

Goofy glanced at the television camera taping his pregame routine, the look on his face betraying excitement, nervousness, and more than a bit of confusion.

_The first thing to remember when playing baseball is to have the right equipment. You have your glove, right?_

"Two of them," said Goofy.

_Your baseball glove goes on your left hand, unless you are left-handed. In that case, it goes on your right hand. It may feel large and awkward at first, but this is only to make things easier for you in the long run._

"Gawrsh," said Goofy, "I think he means that big glove. My regular gloves aren't anything like those big leather things."

_Again, make sure you put your glove on the correct hand._

Goofy attempted to pull a left-handed glove onto his left hand, but he couldn't get it to fit. After a minute or so of struggling, he managed to pull it on, but in the process he toppled over on one of the equipment carts and took an entire bucket full of balls on the head. A couple of wooden bats fell afterward, nearly knocking him out. One of the bats bopped his head into the palm of his glove, where he saw some letters stitched into the leather. "Left-handed glove," they said.

_Also make sure you are using the correct glove._

XXX

_Choosing a bat is an important part of preparing your baseball equipment._

Goofy walked over to a rack with bats of all sizes and weights. He hefted four of them into his arms.

_Swing your bat around to see if you like the feel of it._

Goofy swung all four bats at once, but he lost his grip on them. They flew up into the air and fell down on top of his skull, knocking him to the floor.

_Your bat should feel only slightly heavy to you. Too heavy, and it will impede your control. Too light, and your power will suffer. Be sure to have a good grip on the bat so it does not fly out of your hands when you swing it._

XXX

_For actual batting practice, you may want to start by hitting off of a tee._

Goofy waltzed over to a batting tee standing in the corner of the warm-up area.

_First, position yourself next to the tee. Station your feet shoulder width apart, and bend your knees slightly._

Goofy did as his tape told him, though he skipped the word "slightly" and found himself nearly sitting on the ground.

_Now, keep your eye on the ball. I cannot stress this enough. If you want to hit the ball well, you need to keep your eye on it._

Goofy stretched his head up to the ball on top of the tee and pressed his face against it.

_Now, grip your bat with your right hand over your left hand. Curl it back to your right, bending your elbows. When you swing, keep your left arm straight. Give it a try._

Goofy wound his arms back and readied a swat at the ball. He let his arms go, and his bat whipped around like lightning, striking… the tee. The ball fell straight down to the floor, and the tee flew off ahead of Goofy. Goofy lost his grip on the bat, and it went flying after the tee. Somewhere in the distance, some glass shattered and someone screamed.

_Always be sure to do your batting practice in a batting cage or an open field so as not to damage anyone's property_

"Goofy!" Sora yelled from the other side of the locker room. "It's time to stop clowning around. The game is about to resume."

XXX

_Remember that you only play half of your game on offense. The other half of the time, you will be in the field. If you want your team to succeed, you need to take your defense just as seriously as your offense. This means keeping your eye on the ball._

Goofy looked around the outfield for the ball. When he couldn't find it, he called out, "Hey, Donald, have you seen the baseball?"

"I have it right here," Donald answered. "I'm the pitcher."

"Oh, all right," said Goofy, not quite sure what that meant.

_Wait for the pitcher to throw the ball, and then run it down if the batter hits it to you._

Donald hurled a fastball in the general direction of the batter.

"Juuuuuust a bit outside," chirped the PA announcer as the ball sailed three feet wide of the plate and crashed into the backstop.

Eleven pitches and three walks later, Donald finally threw a strike, and the batter knocked the ball up into the air.

_If a fly ball comes in your direction, position yourself under it and hold out your glove. Let the ball land softly in the glove, and then squeeze your hand to secure it._

Goofy hobbled around in a circle, attempting to predict where the ball would land. He nearly tripped whenever he took his eyes off the field to find the ball, but whenever he watched the field, he found himself running in the wrong direction. At least his circles grew smaller as the ball approached, so if he was lucky his path might converge to the point where he could make a successful catch.

That might have happened, anyway, if Sora had not been going for the same ball. Both looked up to the sky at the wrong time, and they collided with a bang. The force of the impact stunned Goofy and nearly knocked his headphones off of his ears. He still heard the end of his tape, though.

_If more than one person is chasing the same ball, remember to call for it to prevent an accident or an injury._

XXX

By the bottom of the third inning, Goofy's team trailed 25-3, and the crowd grew restless. A restless crowd of demons is not a safe thing to have surrounding you and blocking the exists, so when he got up to bat, Goofy tried a trick he learned in his tape to rally the troops.

"That wasn't a strike!" he complained to the umpire as the ball whizzed by his knees. "Are you blind, a-hyuck?"

The Prinny umpire fiddled with his dark sunglasses and coughed. "Dood, I'm not completely blind. Only legally blind. And I'm going to have to throw you out for arguing balls and strikes!"

"No you're not," said Goofy.

"Yes I am," said the Prinny.

"Not without a fight you're not," said Goofy.

"If it's a fight you want," said the Prinny, who drew a knife from under his chest protector and a bomb from behind his back.

Goofy kicked some dirt in the Prinny's face. The Prinny responded by throwing the bomb at Goofy, missing completely because he couldn't see anything. Goofy darted in, yelled for Donald to join him, and lifted the Prinny up over his head. The Prinny squirmed but was unable to free himself.

The rest of the Prinny team gathered at the mound to charge Goofy all at once. Goofy gulped. Without thinking, he threw the Prinny umpire into the crowd of charging penguins, desperately hoping he could slow the stampede long enough to get away. To his surprise, when his Prinny hit the rest, the entire group exploded in a magnificent red fireball.

"It looks like the Prinny Squad forfeits again!" said the PA announcer. The crowd cheered.

Donald ran out from the bench and patted Goofy on the back.

"I'm just trying to be a good Gasoline," Goofy said.

"No, that's what you put in a car," said Donald. "We're vassals."


End file.
